he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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