Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
