we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
