somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
