Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
