i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
