That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
