***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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