somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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