Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
