if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
