i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
