and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
