when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
