I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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