New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm getting married
To pizza
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
