Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
