if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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