im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he thought i was a dude.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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