im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
