I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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