Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
