also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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