Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
