Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
porn star boner night. come get it.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
