Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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