Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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