I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
