He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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