I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
