She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
