Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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