She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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