there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
