I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
