I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
