I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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