No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
