i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
