if i died would you start the facebook group?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
