two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
