You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
