I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
