when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
