she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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