Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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