I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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