I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
