Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
