I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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